I can still feel you, even so far away.

It's funny. I go out, looking for that object of lust and passion so often now. It has become a game to itself - who do I see that ignites a spark under me? I'm not looking for a 'cute' girl. I've had so many interactions with 'cute' girls. It just doesn't do anything for me. Being young still and with that effervescent desire I am looking for a woman who scares the hell out of me - a woman who shows me what I'm made of in an instant and hands it to me on a plate. John the Baptists head of raw desire. A woman who I'd be nervous to introduce to my friends. A woman who I could really express myself to.

I've got a lot of paint, but no canvas.

My online interactions are few and far between due to my infrequent (and unpredictable) usage of the web. I read of a few women there who spark my interest reading, but I wonder how true to that they are in real life. The blklstd folks are increasingly more interesting and naturally I'm more drawn to the females writing. I'm an adolescent at heart - running through my days with an uncontrollable horniness (for lack of a better term). I look back to those days of being nineteen and abounding after 'cute' girls galore in New York. A few ignited that passion in me that ChI left staring at me, but only precious few.

My problem with women is that the novelty wears off quickly, they all seem to be so similar - I give 'em chances and they fall apart in my mind. I end up disinterested after a few weeks and stop calling, when they'll show up with a blowjob and then realize I'm not worth it. It's tiring and I'd much rather devote my efforts to more meaningful and animalistic encounters. I don't think it's a phase - I have felt this way for a long time.

Scare me. Distort reality with emotion and raw physical attraction. Show me that there's something more to existence than a 'cute' girl who likes what you like and goes where you go. That gets old quickly, and as good as the sex may be it's like eating macaroni and cheese for weeks on end - filling but strangely lacking substance.

Dean