ChI left me an intensely personal letter before she left yesterday afternoon. I'm not quite sure how to react so in my own attempt at dealing with it I'm quoting some of it here.

"In order to come out of anything you must first fall," she says, "I think I've been falling for some time now and I don't really know when something is finally going to stop me. Sometimes I think the fall is what makes me who I am and sometimes I wonder if I am actually worth it. Who the hell knows. I thought you'd stop me from falling Dean. I relied on you too much during those insignificant fights we had and the countless days of passion. It's all attention and attention to detail. So I write this at 4am while you're leaving work probably.

Do you remember what it was like? Fucking into the night and falling asleep tangled in the dark? To wake up to toss around the bed in the morning? I could always feel you throughout the day still inside me.. The look in your eyes when you came into me is one I have in my mind every day, the way we would collapse on to eachother full of so much pleasure.

It's intensely difficult for me to write this without crying Dean, and to tell you what your presence has meant to me. You were more than an incredible fuck and a good friend - you were a missing part of me. And I'm going to miss you."

To be honest this letter shocked me. ChI and I have a very open and honest relationship (obviously) but this letter expressed a sentimentality and side of ChI I don't think I'd ever seen. She admitted her desire for control and her constant desire for attention... But these qualities more than anything attracted me to her. The latter half of the letter was intensely arousing, her erotic descriptions of her thoughts about me were incredibly realistic. I found myself wanting her incredibly badly, a raging desire to fuck her again - an almost animal lust for her scent, her smell, her body.

And I think that's what she wanted. She wanted to leave me in a state of desperate need for her, desperate need to be fucked like only ChI and I fucked. I'll see her again soon, no doubt. New York is not that far away. However in the meantime I will be hard pressed to find a woman who ignites that passion in me again - but goddamnit I'll die searching.

Dean